The Joke Thread!

[Nairn]

ok, guys i KNOW you have some good jokes so lets hear 'em! i'll start it off :p

--------------------------------------------

A middle aged woman had a heart attack
and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table, she had a
near death experience.

Seeing God, she
asked,
'Is my time
up?'

God said, 'No, you have another
43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the
hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement,
boob job, lipo-suction, and a tummy
tuck.

After her last operation, she was released from the
hospital. While crossing the street on her way
home, she was hit and killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
'I thought you said I had another 40 years?
Why didn't you pull me out of the path of
the car?'

God replied,
'Girlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!'

[VIRAL]

I was depressed recently, so I called a suicide hotline.
They put me through to a call center in pakistan.
When I told them the news, they got really excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

[Nairn]

hahaha good one VIRAL :D

----------------------------------------------- i love this one LOL.


Job at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin .

After all the background checks, interviews

And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman .


For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

The men to a large metal door and handed

Him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair ... . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
Never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
For this job.. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
Quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'


Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
After another. They heard screaming, crashing,
Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.


“This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
Beat him to death with the chair.'

[VIRAL]

What do you call a black man flying an airplane?
A pilot, you rascist sonofab****!

[chronazon]

the show deal or no deal is based on an 80's humor article called drugs of the future. the one the show is based on is called cash on hand, where you are given a briefcase of 80's style cash money to hold and what you pay for it goes to add to the cash of the next high.



there is another joke where a man is stuck on a roof during a flood
anyway three boats come by and every time he says Its ok God will provide and in the end he dies and at the gates of heaven god says "hey I sent three boats"

how many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
one to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored bicycles.
Jewish mothers?
thats ok I'll just sit in the dark
senators?
one, he holds the bulb and the universe revolves around him
californians
one to screw in the lightbulb and three to share the experience
oregonians?
one to hold the bulb and five to chase off the californians who came to share the experience.

the end of seinfeld on zen:
zen master goes, thats exactly whats wrong with your brain

[Balam_del_Monte]

i heard this on the Graham Norton Show:

3 guy friends go on a skiing trip.
They only have enough money for a 1 bed room at the resort, so they go and rest for the next day.
In the morning, the guy on the left says "I had this real vivid dream that i got a handjob."
The guy on the right says "Thats weird, so did I".
Then, the guy in the middle says " Huh, i had a dream that i went skiing".

[VIRAL]

My friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a b*tch.....

[Nairn]

ROFL!


Wal-Mart has everything!


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4.. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

[clairvoyant]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice. "Hello?"

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

(Keep reading, it gets better.)

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!"

The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No!"

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!

I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!

[Nairn]

I nearly died of laughter with this one LOL
-------------------------------------------

Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 . "duh".....there's no "eleven"
Button on the stupid phone!!!

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" to which she replied, "There certainly is!"


(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)






"My stupid computer keeps saying "You've Got Mail"

[VIRAL]

Winnie the pooh and Piglet were walking through sherwood forest together and piglet was thinking "how lucky I am to have such a nice friend as Pooh." Pooh was thinking "If the pig coughs, he's f**kin' dead!"

[clairvoyant]

Poor Piglet.........

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[Nairn]

Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. “Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…”

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”

Mommy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

[Balam_del_Monte]

What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde?







2 tight ends and a wide receiver.

[VIRAL]

How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altar boy!

[VIRAL]

How can you tell if you are going to a gay barbecue? Because all the hot dogs taste like sh**!

[VIRAL]

Why... I am... Your father... (Makes Darth vader noises in gas mask)
Here's a cleaner one: Two fish were swimming. One fish hit a concrete wall. The other fish said "Dam!"

[Odin]

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

you are funny
!!!!!!!!!

[Odin]

If a female with big boobs works at Hooter's

where does a female with one leg work




I HOP !!!!!!

[Odin]

How do you make a whore moan

Don't pay her !!!!!

[Odin]

So said to my wife with the glass eye

Crystal I say's

[VIRAL]

Disclaimer: This joke may seem offensive, but I have jewish and mexican friends and one of my jewish friends sent it to me. No offense meant!
*Nevermind. Stupid joke.*

[Odin]

you better put up a disclaimer that you offend everyone

[VIRAL]

here's something from the wall of a bthroom at UCCS in colo. springs.
"Those that write in bathroom stalls
roll their sh** in little balls
those that read them while they sit
eat these little balls of sh**!"

[VIRAL]

ok, mirobalan, I put up a disclaimer and if it still offends you tell me and I will delete it. Actually, i've got to go, so I will just do that.

[Odin]

VIRAL do you need a time out calm down

[VIRAL]

No, I just got that joke in an email from a friend and figured I would share it, but now I have to go do some janitorial work, I will consider it a punishment for being 3V!L.

[Balam_del_Monte]

i love how this thread blew up all of a sudden.

[VIRAL]

This is a parody of "Gangster's paradise". Enjoy!

As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain
I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain
But that's just perfect for an Amish like me
You know, I shun fancy things like electricity
At 4:30 in the morning I'm milkin' cows
Jedediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows... foo
And I've been milkin' and plowin' so long that
Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone
I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline
Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin
But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine
Then tonight we're gonna party tonight like it's 1699

We've been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
I've churned butter once or twice
Living in an Amish paradise
It's hard work and sacrifice
Living in an Amish paradise
We sell quilts at discount price
Living in an Amish paradise

A local boy kicked me in the butt last week
I just smiled at him and I turned the other cheek
I really don't care, in fact I wish him well
'Cause I'll be laughing my head off when he's burning in hell
But I ain't never punched a tourist even if he deserved it
An Amish with a 'tude? You know that's unheard of
I never wear buttons but I got a cool hat
And my homies agree I really look good in black, foo
if you come to visit you'll be bored to tears
We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years
But we ain't really quaint, so please don't point and stare
We're just technologically impaired

There's no phone, no lights, no motorcar
Not a single luxury
Like Robinson Crusoe
It's as primitive as can be

We've been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
We're just plain and simple guys
Living in an Amish paradise
There's no time for sin and vice
Living in an Amish paradise
We don't fight, we all play nice
Living in an Amish paradise

Hitchin' up the buggy, churnin' lots of butter
Raised the barn on Monday, soon I'll raise a'nudder
Think you're really righteous? Think you're pure in heart?
Well, I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art
I'm the pious guy the little Amlettes wanna be like
On my knees day and night scorin' points for the afterlife
So don't be vain and don't be whiny
Or else, my brother, I might have to get medieval on your hiney

We've been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
We're all crazy Mennonites
Living in an Amish paradise
There's no cops or traffic lights
Living in an Amish paradise
But you'd probably think it bites
Living in an Amish paradise
ahahahahahahahahahahahahah yech

[VIRAL]

Here's another one my friend sent me. Enjoy!

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling..

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house
to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we
were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."