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Thread: This is funny!!!!

  1. #1
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    Default This is funny!!!!

    Warning: Make sure you bladder is empty before reading this post!!!


    A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
    submitted this.

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
    my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
    little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
    100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
    supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
    assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

    WAY TOO COOL!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

    I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
    Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
    button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
    blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??

    AWESOME!!!?

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
    the face of her microwave!

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
    couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
    little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
    needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit
    I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
    better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
    thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
    assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
    glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
    hand, and taser in another.

    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
    your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and
    a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
    your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
    longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while
    I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4
    inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
    triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'??

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
    side as to say, 'don't do it dumbass,' reasoning that a one- second burst
    from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
    give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to
    my naked thigh, pushed the button and...

    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in
    the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
    over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
    with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
    nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
    position, and tingling in my legs!

    The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
    before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it again,
    stupid, do it again!'

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note
    of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
    yourself!You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
    hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would
    be considered conservative.

    SON-OF-A-B**CH... That hurt like H*LL !!!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
    that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
    surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
    fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both
    nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
    Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

    I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for
    their safe return!!

    P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

    If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid
    What about "kinda cute, kinda hot, kinda sexy, hysterically funny, but not funny-looking guy who you could f**k" did you not understand?

  2. #2
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    Default

    hahahaha, poor guy... sounds like something that would happen to me
    People travel to wonder at the height of the mountains, at the huge waves of the seas, at the long course of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars, and yet they pass by themselves without wondering. - st. Augustine


    Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods. -Albert Einstein

  3. #3
    I
    isis Guest

    Default

    that was alsome and so funny

  4. #4
    A
    astralelf Guest

    Default

    I've seen this before. It's still funny however. You know, I wonder if getting tazed would be considered torture.

  5. #5
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    Default

    Hope he finds his tescticles

  6. #6
    O
    Odin Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by astralelf View Post
    I've seen this before. It's still funny however. You know, I wonder if getting tazed would be considered torture.

    depends on which side of the tazer your on lol

  7. #7
    R
    Rosalyn Guest

    Default

    lol odin that is true.

  8. #8
    I
    isis Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Odin View Post
    depends on which side of the tazer your on lol
    yes odin one of my brothers did this to him self lol

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