The Joke Thread!

[VIRAL]

Winnie the pooh and Piglet were walking through sherwood forest together and piglet was thinking "how lucky I am to have such a nice friend as Pooh." Pooh was thinking "If the pig coughs, he's f**kin' dead!"

[clairvoyant]

Poor Piglet.........

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[Nairn]

Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. “Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…”

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”

Mommy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

[Balam_del_Monte]

What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde?







2 tight ends and a wide receiver.

[VIRAL]

How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altar boy!

[VIRAL]

How can you tell if you are going to a gay barbecue? Because all the hot dogs taste like sh**!

[VIRAL]

Why... I am... Your father... (Makes Darth vader noises in gas mask)
Here's a cleaner one: Two fish were swimming. One fish hit a concrete wall. The other fish said "Dam!"

[Odin]

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

you are funny
!!!!!!!!!

[Odin]

If a female with big boobs works at Hooter's

where does a female with one leg work




I HOP !!!!!!

[Odin]

How do you make a whore moan

Don't pay her !!!!!