The Joke Thread!

[Odin]

So said to my wife with the glass eye

Crystal I say's

[VIRAL]

Disclaimer: This joke may seem offensive, but I have jewish and mexican friends and one of my jewish friends sent it to me. No offense meant!
*Nevermind. Stupid joke.*

[Odin]

you better put up a disclaimer that you offend everyone

[VIRAL]

here's something from the wall of a bthroom at UCCS in colo. springs.
"Those that write in bathroom stalls
roll their sh** in little balls
those that read them while they sit
eat these little balls of sh**!"

[VIRAL]

ok, mirobalan, I put up a disclaimer and if it still offends you tell me and I will delete it. Actually, i've got to go, so I will just do that.

[Odin]

VIRAL do you need a time out calm down

[VIRAL]

No, I just got that joke in an email from a friend and figured I would share it, but now I have to go do some janitorial work, I will consider it a punishment for being 3V!L.

[Balam_del_Monte]

i love how this thread blew up all of a sudden.

[VIRAL]

This is a parody of "Gangster's paradise". Enjoy!

As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain
I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain
But that's just perfect for an Amish like me
You know, I shun fancy things like electricity
At 4:30 in the morning I'm milkin' cows
Jedediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows... foo
And I've been milkin' and plowin' so long that
Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone
I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline
Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin
But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine
Then tonight we're gonna party tonight like it's 1699

We've been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
I've churned butter once or twice
Living in an Amish paradise
It's hard work and sacrifice
Living in an Amish paradise
We sell quilts at discount price
Living in an Amish paradise

A local boy kicked me in the butt last week
I just smiled at him and I turned the other cheek
I really don't care, in fact I wish him well
'Cause I'll be laughing my head off when he's burning in hell
But I ain't never punched a tourist even if he deserved it
An Amish with a 'tude? You know that's unheard of
I never wear buttons but I got a cool hat
And my homies agree I really look good in black, foo
if you come to visit you'll be bored to tears
We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years
But we ain't really quaint, so please don't point and stare
We're just technologically impaired

There's no phone, no lights, no motorcar
Not a single luxury
Like Robinson Crusoe
It's as primitive as can be

We've been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
We're just plain and simple guys
Living in an Amish paradise
There's no time for sin and vice
Living in an Amish paradise
We don't fight, we all play nice
Living in an Amish paradise

Hitchin' up the buggy, churnin' lots of butter
Raised the barn on Monday, soon I'll raise a'nudder
Think you're really righteous? Think you're pure in heart?
Well, I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art
I'm the pious guy the little Amlettes wanna be like
On my knees day and night scorin' points for the afterlife
So don't be vain and don't be whiny
Or else, my brother, I might have to get medieval on your hiney

We've been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
We're all crazy Mennonites
Living in an Amish paradise
There's no cops or traffic lights
Living in an Amish paradise
But you'd probably think it bites
Living in an Amish paradise
ahahahahahahahahahahahahah yech

[VIRAL]

Here's another one my friend sent me. Enjoy!

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling..

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house
to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we
were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."