Warning: Make sure you bladder is empty before reading this post!!!
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??
AWESOME!!!?
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave!
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit
I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and
a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while
I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4
inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'??
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dumbass,' reasoning that a one- second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it again,
stupid, do it again!'
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself!You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would
be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-B**CH... That hurt like H*LL !!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both
nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid
