How to stop thinking distraction?
i have tried some takes, of dmt, lsd, few of pot (eating, smoke is junk), by this years.
dmt is too hard.
ultimately, im using lsd blotter doses.
i dunoo if is the dealer change, but the more i take, the more i feel tension, in my neck, chest, throat, like when you want to puke up, but without, doing it, just i cant, and i dont like to put my fingers on, neither the sensation (the same i have, when used dmt). Its hard to explain, but makes me to be frightenly awaken, until i fall asleep, in this state, i just cant relax and try to sleep, it makes me walk on the walls by the pain/sensasion.
It is worthless trying to use it without a cause. Take it when you have really learned, studied, something and want to master it by your own, or when you feel self-opression, and cant express yourself. i havent used it for magick, yet i dont have a system.
But yeah, in a normal state i have this kind of tension - much more softer- now in the left near my vessel, at the height of my navel. some months ago i always felt other way of opression in my chest near the left of the ribs joint/pit of the stomach (but i felt that since 7 years), anyway this is not what im trying to talk right now.
When i was 16 (secondary school years, 13 to 18), i was reading something of speed reading, about, the way that the spoken language-internal voice-, interferes with the direct visual brain comprehension, and i started to stop this internal talking head all arround, to the point, of silence me, being less related with all, and doing nothing for years, were a lot of years, of wasted time, i became skeptical to all, society, religion, culture, life, family, me, reality, a type of nihilistic, solipsist vision, with nothing to believe, and my curiosity start to fall down, my life became just, sleeping and go to school, this way of thinking last for 4 years, currently i have a sort of residue, of that nothing years thoughts, in that time i was passing difficult situations, i just dont grew in a normal family, violence, misery inner conflicts where enough a lot from my days as a child, to the others we were normal, i suppose, but we were/are too isolated from the rest of the world to apart us of the the judging of others by this way of being (my mom had/has thrash accumulation problems, we lived in apartments enough for us, but we where just overcrowded in one room, the rest where filled of thrash as the days/years passed by, the more we blamed, cried, forced violently, just worsed the situation, to nothing, really we cant fight against this now, and she not changed her ways, just closed, justified it even more, i even dont think if is there really a person), we never lacked nothing (food, shelter, material goods), but the situation just became normal as the anger of everyday. In this state, i just, became more isolated, of all, i dreamed of scaping, but the more i thought about it, the more i get offline of reality,
in my virtual prison, the more i stayed in my house disconnected of all. When i get out school (i graduated), i realized that this prison was inner me.
By that time i enter university prep year, but whithout success, just went 2 months, and left it, i wasn't interesed in being someone, neither do i am, i believe. im in the same situation right now(studying for the same ****) And i started to apply for a job with success, installing, configuring software for a multinational cellphone content commercialization company, neither i liked it(i liked people, but not the company logical business, extract money from idiot masses, to send it on the exterior to the fillial bases, just countributing here, paying ours wages, taking their incomes of hundreds of thousands of dollars outside their bank accounts), but work made me more here, committed with reality, and money served me, to be more indepent of, right now i am applying for other local company.
But i didnt want write the story of my life, just a context introduction. By those years of selfopression i started to experiment with 3rd eye awakening (samuel sagan), and lucid dreaming, perhaps as a way to scape reality, i have had some few experiences, but never controlled by my own (in the sense of get to an state of awareness, conscious), the more i stressed it, the more it hardened to get it, this leadme to a point of inmunity of such techniques. And everytime i sense, images, sounds in my mind, i got to a turning point of consciousness, and all falls away, the same goes with lucid dreams, when i get dream awaken, and try to modify reality, all goes foggy, fades away, and i wake up, the same goes with music, im bassit, and the only way to play something, is through drugs.
I just cant visualize nothing, just through eating pot, i cant fall in this flow of visual thoughts, but i cant even control that brainstrom of useless thoughts, its a great tool, just uncontrollable. Im dead creatively/spiritualy , all i see is a senseless object reality. When i try to get on a state of nothing, medidation i just fall asleep.
Is there anyway of stoping/fooling this shuttering conscious state, in a way to not fall asleep?
Excuseme for the long post.
