..but I really need to fix myself up. I do not know how to exactly explain my condition or state of mind but I'll list the 'symptoms' & some examples. I have ADHD, GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) & I am Bi polar, & I am aware that this is not a self-help forum but yet there is something else I think I need to do, My doctor also suspects that I may have dyslexia. I am having medicines & I am motivated to fix it but at times I feel the motivation itself fading too quickly.
The state of my mind could perhaps be best described as being too airy, very unstable & rather unsettling & disbalanced. I feel the I do not have a purpose & I can't get things done on time as I get distracted or I feel 'confused'.
I'll jot down in a slight detail the problems I face-
1. I always forget to do things. They just slip out of my mind. I make detailed schedules, plan time & yet I forget. I forget to see the schedule. I know this sounds strange but this is what happens. I write down goals to achieve & I find my goals or the means to achieve them changing very fast. But mainly after writing goals, I don't even see them as it slips out of my mind. This is a typical behavior of an ADHD person,it seems like the person loses interest or doesn't remember what he is supposed to do.
For e.g I started doing a focus exercise on a dot on a paper, I did it for 2 weeks, after that one day I wasn't well, the other day I didn't get time, but after that I had enough time & yet it just slipped out of my mind that I was supposed to do it. Now, I haven't done it since 2 months. I always end up with incomplete projects.
2. I find it extremely hard to go through things in a systematic way. For e.g if I am searching for something which should be in one of the boxes, in a room of boxes, chances are I would directly start searching the boxes in a very haphazard way, which would take me much more time if I had done it serially. Tasks which are highly stressful for me are cleaning the room & multi tasking.
Another example is sometimes I keep surfing this website for an hour but I don't really read what people typed, I just skim posts or partially read them & then I click on the other one. So, I end up wasting a lot of time as I didn't get any good grasp of what I read
I try to be thoroughly organized & yet I manage to screw up somehow. For e.g I use a mind mapping software in which I have clasfied all the vital areas of my life such as relatonships, finance etc & yet somehow I can't follow my goals or I just forget to see them.
3. I find it terrribly hard to concentrate even when I want to. I see myself 'staring' at news rather than watching or listening to it, even if I want to. I find myself nodding to people when they are talking to me but unaware of what they are saying.
4. I am too excited & happy at times with
a) almost an innocent child like mirth
b) an adrenaline rush
& the other times
a) extremely anxious in an almost claustrophobic way, as if I am getting a panic attack- I had received an assignment for which I would get descent money but I felt so much anxiety while doing it that I would feel I was giving myself excuses to delay it. I was secretly wishing that the client would call & apologize that they don't really require the project anymore. I feel a 'sinking sensation' somewhere near my chest..
b) I feel as if I have no desire to live, its almost as if I seek non existence n a way. No, I am not suicidal. I feel lost, aimless, without any purpose. its like I don't know what I want. Everything seems dull, lifeless & gloomy. At times, I find myself staring at oblivion. Some days back, I was supposed to met someone, he was calling me from the other side of the road & I didn't even notice. I was just staring at something I don't even remember, lost in my own thoughts.
I have tried so many different things like having a 'Set of rules' that I am supposed to follow & schedules but in vain. The Set of rules included instructions such as I should not skim while surfing, should do only one thing at a time, schedule must be thoroughly followed yet I screw up, somehow.
So yes I am open to hear anything which anyone has to say. Is there any way magick can hep me?
Principally I think this has something to with the psyche/soul & that is why I seek magick as an anti dose. In short I will tell one more thing which I do to combat this(Besides schedules etc). I worship the saying "know thyself", I introspect a lot, I dissect everything, how I was in the past or everything that I did in the past, I am brutally honest with myself. I analyze every action of mine & see if it wwas wrong or how could I have done it better. This is one thing I believe has helped me as I think all these problems are quite inter-related & medicines & psycho therapy isn't just enough, they can cure the body & the brain but there is something that needs to be fixed in the very depths o the pysche/soul/mind here. (I know that I have used these words a bit interchangeably here)
But I also believe that I should only be looking inside but also at the external world. I try to analyze how my mind works & how others work in a given situation. I minutely analyze which words they speak, the gestures they use or why they do what they do. Its almost as if I am a student of pyschology.
I use dream diaries & at the end of everyday day I write whatever that occurred during the day & what experience I gained from it & what I learnt from it. I believe strongly & I know I am repeating this, that the cure is to be found more in knowing & understanding myself & harnessing the power of that knowledge rather than only medicines
And this is the most important thing of all, the main reason I seek help is not that I can't deal with my emotions but it affects my productivity, the reason I mentioned the numb/mania episodes was that they are strongly related. So any help is appreciated of course, but mostly I need help with remembering things, for e.g just after posting this ,I had vowed that I will make a new set of goals(for career & magick,etc) & visualizations but then it just slipped out of my mind.
