I have some questions for some of the "more experienced" here. Just some thoughts mainly about the mental changes that begin to take place once an individual gets interested in the occult. And damn, is it interesting stuff!
Now, my magickal experience this far has mostly consisted of (pretty weak but slightly creative)sigil casting, ONE ritual(get into that in a minute), and attempting to create a servitor(not sure if it worked or not, also will get to that). Mostly, tiny curious results have come about from all my tinkering around. So I am not really into the thick of things. I have mostly done ALOT of reading, on forums and sites all over the net, standing on the edge of things, in the background.
I'll take breaks every 6 months to a year. I'll lose interest and become involved in other things. This has went on for about 4 years. But I always somehow end up coming back to reading into the occult(especially the forums!) because it is just so fascinating to me. BUT, I notice a problem start to arise every time I come back. And it is the problem of what to believe. I feel like my sanity is somehow being threatened, because reality will become unsure to me.
I catch myself starting to really believe in angels and demons, in actual negative entities out to skull me if I step wrong. And I don't like that one bit. I did not grow up religous. I have never believed in the bible god, jesus or any of that. On the flip side, I've often been really fascinated how religous people function. If they really DO believe. I love watching those sunday morning shows. I'll sit there and just be in awe that all of these people are so wrapped up in something that seems so absurd. So it is scary to me to think I'm becoming one of them.
What makes that worse, is that religous people have ONE set of beliefs. Their god is gonna bail them out. Not so for me. If I start to believe one thing then the whole damn bus load shows up. Cthulu, Enochian angels/demons, egregores empowered into existence by belief energy, etc. I start to lose track of what is real and what is not. I can't tell. Does it even matter? It all starts to get very confusing until I just end up dropping it altogether.
I would love to get some Chaos Magickians input on this. Because as far as I know, the idea of chaos magick is to drop the dogma, sleep with with belief just for the sake of results(without ever calling back), no matter what religion or thought system you're exploiting. Have you ever had problems with getting attached to the beliefs?
I would also love to hear from some peeps who believe there is REAL **** out there that you just don't **** around with. I've seen this mostly in enochian discussions. Christianity, the bible religions seem to get the most attention over anything else when it comes to the seriousness of consequences. Alot of people seem to think it is REAL and not just a thought system for results to be exploited from.
In the end for me, I see it all as energy to be interacted with. Science has it's flaws but it's the most logical way to measure existence as far as I can tell. I've never seen angels or ugly squiggly things so why would I believe in them? I can believe that there is ENERGY given to the IDEA of them, which may give them some objectivity, somehow.
Anyway, have any of you had this "reality" problem along your paths? Am I being clear enough?
One last thing. The ritual I mentioned above was out of LaVey's "Satanic Bible". I did this with my own original touch to it. I did it without any real belief in Belal, Leviathan, Satan or Lucifer. However I did call their names. Back then, my skill at banishing was as is good as it is now. Extremely elementary. Are there those of you out there that do not even worry about banishing? How would I be able to tell if there are any adverse affects on my life or mind since then? I could describe the ritual in more detail if anyone is curious.
The servitor I have abandoned. It was a necklace with the head of the pharoah and a sigil inscribed on the back. I made him to give me better persuasion with girls I was attracted to. The day he was made, I ran into a very beautiful girl and ended up spending some time with her and her friends. Although it didn't work out with the girl, the pecuilar thing to me was her necklace. It was a more detailed, golden Pharoahs head. Should I destroy the servitor, even though it has been years since I've given it attention? Would there be adverse effects for abandoning it all this time?
Can any of you also offer advice on how to pay attention to negative effects if they are present? How to spot them out and know they are from occult tinkering as compared to just regular life bad luck/bad decisions?
Thank you so much for any response you can give me on this. It's a long post I know.
**EDIT**: And I've made it a little longer now!
Just a couple quick things. Do you think this has to do with obsession Peter Carol talked about? I've noticed when I get back into occult it seems to take over my daily thoughts. I'm trying to notice things that I usually wouldn't pay attention to. Way too much.
Also, the thread about the dangers of enochian magick mentioned something about Coronzon being related to Satan, and how this entity loves to throw off your stability, mentally and otherwise. I'm wondering if my satanic ritual has messed with me this way. As my life has been very random and erratic for a while. I could say it was that way before the ritual I guess. I also notice that I have an affinity for acting completely random and non-sensical alot of the time but this could also be decribed as just goofing off? I guess maybe i'm thinking too deep into all of this?
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