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Thread: The Joke Thread!

  1. #1
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    Talking The Joke Thread!

    ok, guys i KNOW you have some good jokes so lets hear 'em! i'll start it off

    --------------------------------------------

    A middle aged woman had a heart attack
    and was taken to the hospital.

    While on the operating table, she had a
    near death experience.

    Seeing God, she
    asked,
    'Is my time
    up?'

    God said, 'No, you have another
    43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

    Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the
    hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement,
    boob job, lipo-suction, and a tummy
    tuck.

    After her last operation, she was released from the
    hospital. While crossing the street on her way
    home, she was hit and killed by a car.

    Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
    'I thought you said I had another 40 years?
    Why didn't you pull me out of the path of
    the car?'

    God replied,
    'Girlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!'
    People travel to wonder at the height of the mountains, at the huge waves of the seas, at the long course of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars, and yet they pass by themselves without wondering. - st. Augustine


    Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods. -Albert Einstein

  2. #2
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    I was depressed recently, so I called a suicide hotline.
    They put me through to a call center in pakistan.
    When I told them the news, they got really excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

  3. #3
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    hahaha good one VIRAL

    ----------------------------------------------- i love this one LOL.


    Job at the FBI

    The FBI had an opening for an assassin .

    After all the background checks, interviews

    And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

    Two men and a woman .


    For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

    The men to a large metal door and handed

    Him a gun.

    'We must know that you will follow your
    Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

    Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
    In a chair ... . . Kill her!!'

    The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
    Never shoot my wife.'

    The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
    For this job.. Take your wife and go home.'

    The second man was given the same instructions.
    He took the gun and went into the room. All was
    Quiet for about 5 minutes.

    The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
    But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
    Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'


    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
    Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
    Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
    After another. They heard screaming, crashing,
    Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
    Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
    Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.


    “This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
    Beat him to death with the chair.'
    People travel to wonder at the height of the mountains, at the huge waves of the seas, at the long course of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars, and yet they pass by themselves without wondering. - st. Augustine


    Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods. -Albert Einstein

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    What do you call a black man flying an airplane?
    A pilot, you rascist sonofab****!

  5. #5
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    Default

    the show deal or no deal is based on an 80's humor article called drugs of the future. the one the show is based on is called cash on hand, where you are given a briefcase of 80's style cash money to hold and what you pay for it goes to add to the cash of the next high.



    there is another joke where a man is stuck on a roof during a flood
    anyway three boats come by and every time he says Its ok God will provide and in the end he dies and at the gates of heaven god says "hey I sent three boats"

    how many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    one to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored bicycles.
    Jewish mothers?
    thats ok I'll just sit in the dark
    senators?
    one, he holds the bulb and the universe revolves around him
    californians
    one to screw in the lightbulb and three to share the experience
    oregonians?
    one to hold the bulb and five to chase off the californians who came to share the experience.

    the end of seinfeld on zen:
    zen master goes, thats exactly whats wrong with your brain
    I have seen a thousand thousand civilizations rise and fall upon the Mother of All Things. As pipes play, echoing off the mountains and across the Ocean, until it fades at the edge of time, the end of All... - book of the gate called pan

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    Default

    i heard this on the Graham Norton Show:

    3 guy friends go on a skiing trip.
    They only have enough money for a 1 bed room at the resort, so they go and rest for the next day.
    In the morning, the guy on the left says "I had this real vivid dream that i got a handjob."
    The guy on the right says "Thats weird, so did I".
    Then, the guy in the middle says " Huh, i had a dream that i went skiing".

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    Default

    My friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

    She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

    She's such a b*tch.....

  8. #8
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    Default

    ROFL!


    Wal-Mart has everything!


    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

    "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

    It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

    So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

    He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

    Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

    "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.."

    That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

    He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

    Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

    The computer prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
    4.. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

    Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
    People travel to wonder at the height of the mountains, at the huge waves of the seas, at the long course of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars, and yet they pass by themselves without wondering. - st. Augustine


    Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods. -Albert Einstein

  9. #9
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    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone:

    I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

    I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.

    After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

    Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice. "Hello?"

    I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

    The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

    (Keep reading, it gets better.)

    One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!"

    The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

    The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

    "Yes."

    "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

    "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front."

    I asked, "What's your name?"

    "My name is Don Hansen."

    "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

    "I'm home in the evenings."

    "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

    "Sure."

    "Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

    After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and came up with a solution.

    First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.

    The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

    I said, "Yeah."

    He said, "Stop calling me."

    I said, "No!"

    He said, "What's your name, pal?"

    I said, "Don Hansen."

    He said, "Where do you live?"

    "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front."

    "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

    "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.

    Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

    I said, "Hello, jackass!"

    He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

    "You'll what?"

    "I'll kick your butt."

    "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"

    And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!

    I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!
    What about "kinda cute, kinda hot, kinda sexy, hysterically funny, but not funny-looking guy who you could f**k" did you not understand?

  10. #10
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    I nearly died of laughter with this one LOL
    -------------------------------------------

    Blonde's Year in Review

    January
    Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

    February
    Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
    Helllloooo!!!......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

    March
    Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"

    April
    Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

    May
    Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
    water won't fit into those little packets!!!

    June
    Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

    July
    Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

    August
    Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
    car swamped because soft-top was open.

    September
    The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

    October
    Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

    November
    Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour
    per pound and I weigh 108!!

    December
    Couldn't call 911 . "duh".....there's no "eleven"
    Button on the stupid phone!!!

    THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
    A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
    She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

    A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

    As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

    Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" to which she replied, "There certainly is!"


    (Are you ready? This is a beauty...)






    "My stupid computer keeps saying "You've Got Mail"
    People travel to wonder at the height of the mountains, at the huge waves of the seas, at the long course of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars, and yet they pass by themselves without wondering. - st. Augustine


    Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods. -Albert Einstein

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