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Thread: 11 things never to say to anyone

  1. #1
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    Default 11 things never to say to anyone

    1. "COME HERE!"
    This command actually means "Go away," especially when said by an intimating authority figure. Many people would automatically view the phrase as vaguely threatening. It says "You haven't obeyed me, so I am now ordering you to move when I want you to move."

    I learned over the years it's much more effective to casually approach a person and say, "Excuse me, but I need to chat with you for a second," or even "Could I chat with you a second?" It gives the other party the feeling that they have some choice but makes the implication clear.


    2. "You wouldn't understand"

    I don't know about you, but I find this phrase so insulting that I can hear the comma then "stupid" implied at the end. No matter who this is said to, it puts the listener off. Better to say, "This might be difficult to understand, but", or "Let me try to explain this..."

    3. "Because those are the rules."

    This phrase would make almost anybody want to throw up. But if you're enforcing rules that exist for good reasons, do not hesitate to explain them. Your audience might not agree, but at least they will have been honored with an answer.

    4. "It's none of you business."

    Here is the slam dunk of verbal-abuse. It's usually said by a frustrated parent, but it's occasionally heard among friends too. The phrase angers people because it brands them as outsiders and brusquely cuts them off. It also exposes you as someone who doesn't have a good reason for answering the question. It makes it seem that you have no power behind your position.

    Rather than saying, "It's none of you business." explain why the information cannot be revealed.

    5. "What do you want me to do about it?"

    What a cop-out! The pseudo question, almost always accompanied by sarcasm, is seen as an evasion of responsibility. It's also a sign you are exasperated. It is often said by untrained sales clerks in response to complaints, but it's also heard among friends, spouses, and co-workers at the ends of their ropes.

    Offer to sort out the problem and work towards a solution instead.


    6. "Calm down!"

    The command flat out doesn't work. Instead, it always makes people more upset. It implies you are criticizing the other person's behavior and that they have no right to be upset.

    The better approach? Put on a calm face and demeanor, look the person in the eye, touch them if appropriate, and say, "it's going to be all right. Talk to me. What is the trouble?"

    If you cannot put on a calm face, it's probably best to leave.

    7. "What's your problem?"

    This snotty, useless phrase turns the problem back on the person needing assistance. It signals that this is a "you versus me" battle rather then an "us" discussion. The typical reaction is defensive. "It's not my problem, you're the problem!"

    The trouble with the word "problem" is it makes people feel deficient or even helpless. "What's your problem?" makes them feel as if they've already failed.
    No one likes that. People rather be thinking of solutions.

    Rather, say, "What's the matter? How can I help?", then you can start a real discussion of the issue.

    8. "You never..." or "You always..."

    It is better to turn the burden upon yourself and seek the other person's help. "When you are late without calling, it makes it feel as if you don't care." That should elicit an apology or at least an explanation. But if you jumped in with "You never call...." you're more likely to be reminded of the three times in the last month when they did call.

    9. "I'm not going to say this again."

    That is almost always a lie on the face of it, because what usually follows the above phrase? The thing you just said you weren't going to say again!. And you will probably say it again and again. This threat traps you, because if you're really not going to repeat yourself, you're left with one option: action. If you're not prepared to act, you lose credibility.

    If you need to emphasize the seriousness of your words, say "It's important that you understand this, so let me say it again, and please listen carefully."

    If some one does tell you "I'm not going to say it again," just answer with sincerity, "Okay, I got it."

    10. "I'm doing this for your own good."
    No one hardly believes this.

    If what you are doing is really for the other person's benefit, show them that through action. Will, do and to keep silent.

    11. "Why don't you be reasonable?"

    Not once in my life has anyone come up to me and said, "You know what? I'm in the left field today, totally irrational."

    People may admit to being a little forgetful, flaky or out of it, but they're not going to admit to being unreasonable. So you're only inviting conflict with a question like this.

    Instead, allow people to become more reasonable by being reasonable with them. Use reassuring language. Say things like "Let me see if I understand your position," and then paraphrase their own words.
    That not only assure you that you're hearing them correctly, but also enables them to see their own view as you see it. This approach starts to absorb people' tension and makes them feel your support. Then you can help them think more logically and less destructively, without making the insulting charge implied in the question.

    If someone asks you "Why don't you be more reasonable?" force yourself to slow down, Take a deep breath in a slow, thoughtful, nonthreatening voice, say, "I'm being as reasonable as possible as I know how, and with any luck, I'll get better. But apparently I see the issue differently then you do."
    You will have deflected the attempt to put you down without further antagonizing the person.

  2. #2
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    Yeah telling some one to calm down never works. The only thing that does is to get people more upset than they are ready where for some reason.
    Two men can meet quicker than two mountains ever.

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    Sometimes the best question is not ask why people act the way they do, but ask what is the best way to manage them.

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    Default

    Why while reading these I see I only ever heard parents pronounce it? Exept the Calm down thing,which I personaly use and it always has an effect. the thing with it is that people tend to issue it as a command,instead of a guidance or an advice,thats why it doesnt work in most situations.

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    Default

    Why while reading these I see I only ever heard parents pronounce it? Exept the Calm down thing,which I personaly use and it always has an effect. the thing with it is that people tend to issue it as a command,instead of a guidance or an advice,thats why it doesnt work in most situations.
    That is true. Sometimes it is not what you say that matters, but how one says it.

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